Relationship: Are you his friend or Girlfriend?
You’ve been with this guy/man for weeks or better still months. In your mind you’re his girlfriend. It certainly feels like you’re his girlfriend. There’s passion, love, fun, and maybe even an occasional “I love you.”As each day passes, you can just feel the attraction between you and you know that this relationship is definitely different. While you feel more and more drawn to him, you begin to notice a problem that eats into you – he continues to treat you as a friend which means you’re not both seeing the relationship in the same way.
There are times you see that spark in his eyes and there are times at which his actions tell you that you are special. However, most of the time, you are just treated as a mere friend who he enjoys regular communication with. Or it could be that he goes to the point of telling you that he loves you, but when it comes to actions, you are not treated as a lover, but just as friend.
You are in a relationship that you ARE totally happy in, then letting your friend’s “advice” get into your head.
I’ve seen it before. One woman who is pretty much happy in her relationship goes out with her girlfriends. Her relationship isn’t a picture-perfect, fairytale relationship, but there’s no such thing as perfect and overall it is a very good, fulfilling relationship for her.
So this girl’s out with her friends, brings up her relationship and then all of a sudden it’s like a Jerry Springer audience teamed up with the cast of the View to give their advice. Moreover, usually the women giving “advice” are single and haven’t had a successful relationship to date. As a result, their “advice” is more about the women projecting their own frustrations outward onto that girl’s relationship. Still they are her friends and she trusts their opinion.
And hey, it’s not just women who do this! I’ve seen guys in a relationship go out with their single guy friends – after a beer or two, his buddies are ragging on him for being in a relationship and venting their frustrations. Same thing.
A practical scenario is that of this lady’s expression:
“I’ve been seeing this guy for almost 8 months now. Everything is pretty much okay amidst us as we spend most of every available time together, he really cares about me, and we’re pretty much a ‘couple’ as we are being described by our friends. The only problem is he won’t call me his girlfriend. I’ve tried bringing this issue up but i don’t want to make the first approach on these so i won’t seem rather cheap to him. I know he had a very worse experience with his ex-girlfriend which I think might be holding him back on moving a step ahead with me, so I’m trying to be understanding but I don’t think one thing should have anything to do with the other. Sometimes I’m okay with how things are, but other times I get really angry, especially when peer pressure starts setting in. Our relationship is starting to suffer now because the relationship we are in isn’t define and i have the feeling this whole thing might just fade off one day and he will stop treating me as that special-friend he described me to be. Even though I say I’m fine with how things are, deep down within me this is really bothering me and I feel really hurt by the fact that even though I am his ‘girlfriend,’ he won’t acknowledge me in that way.
Can you please proffer a solution to this for me?”
You spend a lot of time wondering why he might be treating you this way, and you try to justify his actions and your reactions. Well, there are some reasons why a man might treat you as a friend and not as a lover.
1. He is Scared to Express His Feelings:
One tricky reason most ladies fail to realize is that a man might treat you as a friend even if he loves you because he is afraid to express his feelings. Most guy are afraid of being rejected, fear of failure and fear of being unable to make you happy could lead to a man treating you just as a mere friend and not as a lover, despite the fact that he genuinely loves you. If this is the case, then he needs time to deal with his fears and take your relationship to the next level.
2. He Doesn’t See the Need to Make the Move:
Another major factor as to why he won’t call you his girlfriend is because he doesn’t have to. To a guy, calling a woman his girlfriend is typically a huge pain to him and the reason is because the woman is making herself so available and so committed when he hasn’t committed to anything, why would he call her his girlfriend? If a store was giving to you free of charge, would you say ‘no please, let me pay you for it’? I’m going to guess, no…
If a guy won’t make a move to ascertain the stand of his relationship with you you after a month or two months, then I would say it means that he’s enjoying the relationship exactly where it is and at this moment will not take it any further unless he is inspired to.
Now, when things stand this way it doesn’t mean that there’s no chance of you becoming his girlfriend, so don’t loose hope. There are some things you can do mostly by just shifting your perspective that can help tremendously.
3. Past Experiences:
There are a multitude of reasons why he may not wish to take the relationship further; one of which is maybe he just got out of a relationship that hurts him badly and does not want another commitment that ends in pain. Maybe he likes you, but he doesn’t want to feel “tied down” by a relationship. Maybe he likes you a lot, but he knows that he’s not in a position where he can fully commit to you because he has a lot running through his mind that needs to be settled first before he thinks of taking things further with you.
4. He is Not Sure if He Truly Wants You:
Most times it can take a while for a guy to really be sure of what he feels for you, either genuine love or otherwise, he needs time to decide. If this is the case, then you might find yourself being treated as just a friend, despite there being “signs” that he loves you. If a man is not too sure of what he feels, he might want to take things slow until he is very sure he can commit into such relationship.
5. You are Just A Friend and Nothing More to Him:
Another reason could be that, in reality, all that you are to him is a friend. He might be quite fond of you, but the end of the matter might be that he doesn’t view you as anything more than a friend. If this is the case, then nothing you do can change things. While there is nothing wrong in hoping that he might change, if you are nothing more than a friend to him, you can’t really change the way he feels.
There are diverse reasons why a man needs you only as a friend and not his girl friend, the reason for each man might be different. Give him some time and observe him to see whether this is just a passing phase or whether he really views you as nothing more than a friend. If all you are is a friend to him, then you need to make a choice as to whether you can view him, too, as just a friend, or whether you would need to back out of the relationship completely.
6.He’s Bored and Only Need You Around for that Particular Period of Time:
With time a relationship can get to a point whereby the guy stops putting much effort as compared to how the relationship kicked off. If a man becomes bored in a relationship, he might begin to treat you as just a friend. Men like to stay interested in a relationship and when it reaches a point where there is nothing new and things just become the same way day after day, he might tend to lose interest and treat you as a friend, even if deep in his heart he knows that he loves you dearly.
Most ladies might have experience this one time or the other and some are still trapped within. Sooner they realize their joy is beginning to fade off due to the fact that they worry more on it. At that point the relationship stops being fun and full of happiness and starts becoming more like a battle of wills. And from a guy’s point of view, when a relationship gets like this, it becomes much less likely for a guy to want to stay. Why would the guy want to deepen a relationship when it doesn’t feel good and seems to only be getting worse?
Regardless of the reason, it’s nobody’s job to play the role of a detective. The relationship at the moment is either working for you or it’s not.
I think there are a few traps in this sort of situation. One is staying in a relationship you are not happy in and haven’t been happy in for a while, but you’re staying because you think with time things might change hand and you will be happy again.”
Frankly, if you don’t like it the way it is, it probably will not change unless he is motivated to change it. If it has not been working for you for a while, then your best bet is probably to lay your cards out on the table: “This is the change I need or I need to leave.” You will either get it or your relationship will end – either way, you’re off the fence instead of settling for an unhappy situation.
=> Avoid bringing up the issue with him more than once.
=> Focus on being fun and lighthearted and enjoying the relationship for exactly what it is.
=> Give yourself an high sense of self worth- know what you want and know that you CAN get what you want and never have to settle for anything less.
=> Keep your options open and you continue keeping up with all your other social activities that do not involve him: seeing your friends, attending any functions you like to go to, etc. It is important that you keep your time and company only as available as he is willing to be – match your level of commitment to his so that you are not left hanging.
=> If you like the relationship for exactly what and where it is, then stay. If you are not satisfied with it, exactly as it is, then you should keep looking.
All in all, relationships take work. I am not advocating abandoning a relationship because it’s not perfect – nothing ever is. But at the same time, it is a sobering reality to see a relationship for exactly what it is and not what it could be. Only you know if the relationship is working for you or not.